Tales of a Perpetual Train-wreck

Being Cheap is Costing Me a Fortune

2010-06-08T20:07:00.002-04:00

The only thing I hate more than putting away laundry is paying for it. I never have enough change to do exactly as much laundry as I want, or there isn't enough for me to wash and dry an equal amount of loads. So then I have to sit there going through my dirty clothes and picking out one by one what I need to wash and what can probably sit there until the next time I get around to sucking it up and doing laundry again. It's severely frustrating. So in order to put this tedious activity for as long as possible, I avoid doing laundry by just buying what I need. Out of underwear, buy some more. Need a white t-shirt without stains by one for $3 bucks at Forever 21. Done. This being too cheap to spend $10 on laundry is now costing me like 100 bucks a month. I've also decided to buy better quality clothes finally, wrong time to start. It's been so long since I've done real laundry that I don't even remember what clothes I have buried at the bottom of the basket. I cannot wait until I have my own washer and dryer. It's the small things in life.

Anywayy, I found my new summer jam. Move over Katy Perry and California Gurlz... which first of all... "Gurlz"... really? How old are you? It stopped being cool to spell "girls" with a u and z right around the time it was "kool". Please. That was 5th grade. Thanks. Anyway this is my jam Pursuit of Happiness Remix. It's actually that song in the Vitamin Water commercials, but I don't care I love it. I can't wait to drunk dance to it fo' shiz.

I had a dream last night that Neil Patrick Harris was my gay best friend and we went shopping at the mall together. It was so fabulous.

Woo let's see how long I actually blog this time round...

The facts of life

2009-09-18T12:08:00.002-04:00

Fact: last night was Thursday and I had to work today.

Fact: I hit on an engaged man because I had a huge crush on him in college due to his cable access show.

Fact: I sang Karaoke 3 times.

Fact: I threw up in my hands at the bar due to Jameson, Happy 1/2 way to St. Pattys Day.

Fact: I showed up to work an hour and a half late.

Fact: I threw up in the bathroom.

Fact: I cried the entire way to work because I thought I lost my sunglasses because I'm crazy.

Fact: Its noon and I've been sitting, staring at my computer for 2 horus and have done nothing.

I miss college.

2009-08-31T17:11:00.002-04:00

Ugh. left work early cause I was sick. Sick probably from the fact that today was the first day of classes. I am really not going back. I guess being at UConn this weekend reminded me of what I am missing out of... nothing really. I mean no one I am friends with is there so it shouldn't matter. It was just kind of sad. Like, how long is it going to take for me to adjust to working all day, every day for the rest of my life. I guess I've gotten used to it a little, I mean I got home at 1:30 today and after an hour didn't know what to do with myself, I had nothing to do, no work and TV is so boring. Watching Degrassi for like the hundredth time. Cool. I need a life.

2009-08-17T23:50:00.003-04:00

i went to change my facebook because hey, i graduated, i feel like i should update it and be more mature looking and shit. then i realized. i am still fucking awesome. no revisements necessary.

fabulous happy hour tonight at co jones. 1/2 price margaritas. delish. hilarity ensued when alexa fell out of her chair.

Cry journal

2009-07-29T20:48:00.003-04:00

My life is about as sad and pitiful as my bedroom looks... that's is pretty sad. I can't complain about my job because well, I feel like that would come back and bite me in the ass, but.. it's not ideal. I come home to an apartment I'm too poor to furnish and sit alone for a solid 3 hours before I go to bed by 10:30. When I do go out, I get drunk in half the amount of time and am KOed for the rest of the weekend because apparently that just takes too much out of me right now. This sucks. Real life sucks. When it was summer internships it was fine, there was a definable end and the anticipation of another glorious semester ahead and what it would bring. Now, there's nothing, just another Monday morning to go back to work where I am unchallenged and disappointed in my pay. Fun fact, made more an hour as an intern. Yup. FML.

boring boring boring

2009-07-06T20:39:00.004-04:00

Uuugh I feel like the blog is deadzo. Now that I work my life is so incredibly boring I have nothing exciting to talk about and I do like 90% less dumb things, which isn't fun for anyone. I wake up, drive an hour and a half to work, sit at a desk in front of excel for 9 hours, and then drive home for an hour and a half. Then I go to bed. Wooooo. I have been working for almost 3 weeks and still haven't gotten paid so I can't even go out on the weekends cause I am so damn poor. This all just sucks. I really hope moving to New Haven and being around more clubs and night life will revive my joke status. Joke things I have done lately? Hmm. Pretty much blacked out at a family graduation party doing like 30 boilermakers with Matt's dad. Was able to hide my drunkeness by assisting his sister instead. O0o0o I went out in rhode island, where I apparently spend like every weekend now. I was so miserably hung over that I was puking until 6pm. We went to go to a relaxing day at the aquarium, where I spent the entire trip trying to be sneaky about my uncontrollable vomitting. Unfortunately I couldn't just do it behind a bush being that it's all apart of the exhibit. And they only had the type of trash cans where there are slots on the sides and you can't really get the top off. So here I am trying to tip the trash can over just enough not to miss whilst being "conspicuous." Needless to say I was classy per usual. Other than that I'm boring. I'll work harder at redeeming myself.

i swear i don't like children

2009-06-10T19:59:00.003-04:00

This has gone entirely too far. I have a 13 year old stalker from Missouri. Harmless, I really thought so. First he sends a text message on xbox saying "Sorry I'm 13 not 14." Then he sends a voice message saying, "Sorry I lied I am really 13 not 14 you probably hate me, but I figured I would tell the truth for once." What does that even mean? Then he sends another saying, "You could at least let me know that you got my messages, pleeeeaaaaassseeee!" This was all during a 10 minute span while colin was playing. AHHHH. I talk to this kid for like one day and now he's like obsessed with me. Now, he is facebook chatting me and putting up provocative pics of himself? What the hell have I done. Nothing, I've done nothing to make this kid harass me. Chris Hanson is going to be knocking on my door like tomorrow.

FML.

googling myself yields poor results

2009-06-08T17:33:00.003-04:00

Uuugh, I've just discovered that my friend(s) are assholes. Only 2 years later. No big deal. Thanks slore. If I hadn't been bored enough to google myself today I would never have known. I must've done something really annoying that evening to piss her off. Luckily 13 people seem to disagree that I am smelly and messy.

updates from my utterly useless existence

2009-06-06T18:06:00.004-04:00

Went to the casino because we got a free room. Tequila joined us on the excursion and owned me. Got a creepy dude named David to buy me two drinks (Tangeray baby) while my boyfriend watched me work game from across the club (I gave one of the drinks to him). Didn't get kicked out of shrine. Blacked out. Dropped my iPhone in the toilet... I think it's ok. Foxwoods MGM always kicks my ass.

I now have several friends on xbox live between the ages of 13 to 15 because I've been playing Call of Duty 5. I am now facebook friends with an 8th grader from Missouri. Fml I need a job.

Although several friends were over last night, we sat and watched 3 episodes of Jackass and then the Steve-o drug documentary. Awesome night, a real rager.

I live on a couch in a house with 3 boys so if I wasn't lazy and messy enough as it was, I am now worse, tenfold. I wake up around 11 play/watch them play Call of Duty for hours. Eat whatever is around. Attempt to go for a pathetic excuse for a run around 7 or 8pm and then maybe shower.

I have roughly $70 to my name.

Living the dream....? ehhh

we really are living the dream

2009-06-03T23:49:00.002-04:00

Tonight was a rousing night spent watching durkin coyly flirt with fourteen year old boys on x box live (one of which she is facebook friends with and told our friend Lou that durks had a "nice ass") while the rest of us drank around the tv and tried to play drinking games that no one could pay attention to. I went into celeron, my apartment complex, for a little but i felt too old being there as they already have new parking passes for the '09-'10 year. ugh. i hate being old, responsible, and a graduate. try to keep me from staying a kid. try.

free from the man

2009-05-27T15:37:00.004-04:00

I had my court date today. Record expunged bitches. How shall I celebrate? Well, I am currently sitting on the couch, back in my pajamas, under my comforter and covered in about 20 milky way mini wrappers. Watching the boys play call of duty. Live after graduation really is fabulous. The world is my oyster.... not.

Yay, I don't have a drinking problem

2009-05-20T18:46:00.002-04:00

... well that's not yet official. I went to my alcohol evaluation today where I was asked questions like:

Q: How many times have you blacked out?

A: Oh only once, 2 years ago, but nothing bad happened. I didn't like it so I made sure that it wouldn't happen again. Lie. I black out like once a week.

Q: How often would you say you have been intoxicated in the past month (to which I had to ask what exactly intoxication means... apparently buzzed.)

A: I don't know, maybe 4 times. Try everyday since I graduated.

Q: How many drinks would you have on a normal night?

A: Oh, I don't know? Maybe 3, 4 tops. Multiply that by 2 and that's a normal night.

Q: How many drinks do you have on a night of heavy drinking?

A: Oh wow no more than between 4 and 6. I'm a small girl that is a lot. I've drank a 12 pack to myself on more than one occasion. 6 beers is only a powerhour.

Q: In how many hours would you be drinking that?

A: Oh, over the course of an entire night, so maybe like 6 hours? A beer an hour. Because I didn't drink 9 beers in an hour at a case race. Or 6 beers in an hour every week during powerhour.

Q: What was your worst experience drinking besides the reason you're here?

A: That's hard. Nothing really bad happens to me when I drink, I'm usually responsible. False. Hello, Troy, NY anyone? Or the time I woke up in random biddie's room. Or the time I got roofied. Or the time I fell out of my bed. oo maybe the night I sat outside on a lazyboy in the rain curled in a ball.

So the guy told me that he doesn't really see why I would need to come back in for more counseling because I seem responsible, but I should really considered abstaining from alcohol for 3 months to clear my head and gain new perspectives on drinking. HAHAHA. Right. He also told me that he's only had 2 others this year that were told didn't need further treatment. This tells you the type of place I had to go. Such degenerates.

Stories that must be shared: The Time I Got Arrested

2009-05-20T18:45:00.000-04:00

Note before reading: I am aware that I am a total idiot.

It was a very innocent Friday morning. I woke up, slightly hung over post nickel night, and went to Bagels and More. Me and Alexa went to the package store, only purchasing 2 strawberry Andres for some leisurely day drinking because it was beautiful out. All day, however, we were trying to decide if a Boone's Day would be called because it was the first sunny day over 70˚ for sure. Boone's Day, for those who don't know, is the first day of Spring where the temperature hits above 70˚. The oldest member of Sig Ep calls it and with an hour warning, you are supposed to drop everything and drink.

Only bringing one Andre along, we decided to walk to red house because we knew there would be no where to park. Step one of my demise. We get to red h

ouse, enjoying the warm weather and music and taking it easy, especially because I was still pretty hung over. And then I don't know, at some point, whether out of complete boredom, or the fact that I really didn't know that many people anymore, I decided to step it up a notch and drink the beverage at the party: Boone's Farms spiked with Dubra (because the wine is only about 4% alcohol). Cut to me and Alexa serenading the entire party with a lovely rendition of Everlong and screaming the harmonies to Africa. I guess at some point we decided to leave, I was pretty gone by this point, lugging a Blue Hawaiian for the road.

On the walk home, taking the fantastically constructed "side walk" that the town so kindly built, I stumbled (literally) on a GIANT diamond shaped orange road sign meant for construction knocked on the ground. This thing was bigger than me and heavy as hell. OBVIOUSLY I had to have it. So I decide to lug this huge sign all the way home with me, while walking along the street, with cops everywhere. To provide an image of how far I carried this huge fucking thing I've provided a map:

Quite far.

So I carry it and finally arrive at Celeron, where I live. This part is all really hazy because I was so drunk that I really didn't understand what was going on. So I remember hearing someone yell "there's cops" and I thought this meant that there were cops just around I guess, so instinctively, I began to run... still carrying this fucking thing. Mind you, it is about 7 pm so it is still pretty light out and it was warm so people were everywhere. I guess the cop was chasing behind me yelling "stop running" and "are you really going to make me chase you," but I really have no actual memory of this. I think I dropped the sign and kept running for my apartment when I get body slammed into the side of my building. I seriously didn't connect that the cop was chasing me with the reason I was running, which I know makes no sense.

So I get slammed against the apartment and the cop starts reading me my rights, which at this point now I am pissed, I started yelling them back at him going "yea yea I know, I have the right to remain silent, I have the right to an attorney. bla bla I am a political science major ok!" How did I think acting like this was going to help me not get arrested. So I start sobbing uncontrollably for years and when the cop goes to put me in his car, I request that he "take off my sunglasses and take good care of them because they are new and expensive." I drunk chatted him the entire way to the station to which he asked if I was always this talkative. Also over the radio I heard him state that the "female with her was just as heavily intoxicated." When we got to the police station I got mug shots and finger printed. Crying the whole time and then when he went to take the picture I smiled. When he said "why are you smiling this is a mug shot?" I said that well if I was going to be a convict and get a mug shot I might as well look good. What is wrong with me?? Other gems from this entire occurrence of being booked included:

- the cop asking me if I was bi-polar because one minute I was crying hysterically saying I was sorry and the next minute I was insulting and yelling at him and then apologizing profusely.

- asking the chief, "like no offense, but honesty, aren't there bigger crimes to be dealing with than some stupid drunk girl who stole a sign?" (this would be an example of my bipolarness I assume)

- asking to use the bathroom and being told that I really don't want to because there are no public bathrooms so I'll have to go to a cell, can't I wait. I responded saying, "ok since I'm not fooling anyone, I've been drinking all day long, so I really need to go. Cut to me "hovering" over the cell toilet. I was only in a jail cell for a hot minute and I never want to return to one.

I finally got released and came back to my apartment and kicked a trash can and then cried some more. I was also still so drunk that I stumbled in and fell on someone. Usually when you get drunk and something really serious happens, you are able to pull it together and act sober for the time being. That moment... never happened. I was so drunk that I was still in and out of black out after leaving the station... I don't even remember everything, what I've written above is pretty much all that I can remember because they were so special, so there's probably a lot of other ridiculous shit I did/say.

Overall, some calls were made in my favor... thank god... and I got off with 15 hours of community service and having to go to an alcohol evaluation. It will be wiped from my record next wednesday.

sooo productive

2009-05-07T15:35:00.002-04:00

i have a womens studies exam at 6. it is by far the worst class that i have taken at uconn. i will undoubtedly receive the worst grade of my college career in this class. i might, might, have a C right now. so, i have been studying all week for the final, right? nope. i have drank every night since last monday, the low point being last night where i drank alone for the second time in a week. Today, i have done the following:

1. laid my outfit out for nickel night circa 11am. have changed it twice, and now it's fully accessorized.

2. painted my toenails. did not like the color. repainted them. they still look horrible. can i learn to be a girl, please?

3. facebook chatted durks from a room away.

4. had a really inappropriate convo with duni which is not okay to post here, sorry

5. read every cosmo from december 2008 onward. apparently a guy's favorite scent is a mixture of pumpkin and lavender. who knew? i actually think it sounds like a horrible yankee candle factory explosion, but i digress.

tonight is going to be realllyyyyy rough. im going jazzed out straight to the bar from my exam at 715. the exam actually goes until 8, but jackie and i decided that we dont want to be late to the bar. im glad our priorities are in the right spot. ashleys boyfriend matt (who is also known as every boy at uconn's love interest.. not kidding.. the kid walks in a room and it's like jesus rose from the dead) and half of rpi is coming up, so it should be a good time slash there should be plenty to post about in the morning...

Great, now I have to make my bed.

2009-05-06T14:23:00.003-04:00

I had a final last night at 6pm, a job interview today at 11:30, an exam at 6pm tonight and another at 8 am tomorrow. Obviously I went to the bar last night. 50 cent pitchers started at 8. Cut to 9 pm after 3 games of 13 cup and 2 games of electricity when I am completely hammered. Retarded. I hadn't eaten since noon. Terrible. I cut myself off at 9. So embarrassing. Then Loreen got sloppy and was making love to Colin on the dance floor. We tried to contain her, but me and Jackie are only so strong. After feeding her water for 10 minutes Sanjay whisked me away for soco and lime shots. I did NOT need to drink anymore, but taking care of someone way drunker than me sobered me up a little. Then I died. I unwittingly took an offered shot a JD, and immediately ran to the bathroom barely making it in time to puke, completely miss the toilet, and get it on the shoes of the girl in the stall next to me. CLASSY. Then the canary (I am calling her this because all I piece together of her is that she was wearing an obnoxiously bright yellow shirt) came in my stall to rub my back. Like cool I don't know you? I then got home and puked my life up, which was straight beer because I had nothing else in my poor abused body. I woke up this morning on a bare mattress and no pants (or underwear) on? I think I may have vommed in my bed. Oh yea, and I had vomit in my hair. I showered myself with perfume and was off to the shit job interview. Cool can I like grow up.

never insult my bangs: spring week(s) '09.

2009-05-05T13:22:00.003-04:00

welp let's see. It was more like spring 2 weeks for me, since today is the first day i havent been drunk since 2 sundays ago. a fourteen day streak is never okay. the highlight would be on friday, when i decided to burn my futon along with our kitchen table, 6 stools, a chair, and some boxes. and my nOTEBOOK. ugh. so now we have only camping chairs and a couch, and i dont have ethics notes. whoops.

um i blew threw about 200 dollars at the bar between the past two weeks, the highlight of THAT being when i saw jerome dyson at teds and i got so drunk, fought with the this boy ive hooked up with because he said i would look better without bangs so i went pyscho. so i was so drunk mad that i was yelling in the bar, screaming, and calling my friend colin nine times to pick me up even though he lives 20 minutes away, and texting him every five minutes "where are you?!". previous to that gem i went up to dyson, asked to take a pic, then told him sorry for treating him like a celeb, laughed at him because he got a real glass cup and i had a plastic one and told him all night that he was "Sooooooo coool". i then proceeded to give him my number, and told him to call me, which he texted me the next day and said "whats good ma". I left the bar after the yelling about bangs incident and left my debit card there, and good ol teds charged me 50 dolalrs for god knows what. so i overdrew on my debit card and my parents are not talking to me, and i have twenty dollars cash. total.

hasheem came into my friends apt on carriage night and i felt so cool that i was like "TAKE A PICTURE!" but he was not having it. so we sat on the chair and gabbed for two seconds. aka i told him i liked his twitter. he definitely thinks i am pyscho stalker, which i am to an extent, so im cool with it.

on thursday, i stole 2 hotdogs off a grill near ashley durkins apt because "if no one was near them they were fair game". i got quasi chased and ate one in the woods. alone.

on saturday afternoon i had no food left because everyone had eaten mine on friday when it was celeron apt day. so me and my friend allie drunk ran the rape trail with coffee mugs of vodka and juice, snuck into the dining hall, and had three courses. we ate so much that i forgot that i even ate a chicken sandwhich among 2 potato skins, corn on the cob, and three pieces of pizza. i threw up all the way back to my apt, yelling "I AM NOT A FRESHMAN"

those are the highlights, and the only reason i can even remember these gems is because they were mostly earlier in the days/nights.

irish i remembered my st patrick's day

2009-05-05T12:50:00.002-04:00

I was just scanning the blog and saw that durks gave a mini report of her st patricks day. in many forums durks has me beat on the Richter Scale of Drunken Antics, but this might be one of the few times that i've got her beat. St patricks day has literally been my favorite holiday ever since i picked up a beer at age 12. kidding, it was more like 14. anyways, i always end up being a mess, not making it out, punching things, and puking up green. This one was probably my most disastrous one yet as i was finally legal to drink this year.

So my roomate jenn, durks and i decided to completely blow off classes even though i had four since it was a tuesday, and we went to the bar for 11am. we were literally the only ones in teds, which is saying something as it is truely the haven for alcoholics in the greater storrs area. we started things off right with multiple bud light bottles, and i was tanked by 2 when i HAD to leave to go to my writing class as i had gotten an F on a paper two weeks before for fucking with the margins and getting caught. so middle school kel. anyways, i go to class wasted, sit down next to my friends who are disapproving and judgey, and drunk tap my foot in frustration for about 45 minutes. i then get up to go to the bathroom and realize that i am still wearing my sparkling shamrock necklace, which incites my professor to stop lecturing and comment about. way to draw attention to myself. i then scurry to the library to print out a paper that i am supposed to hand in for my 4 oclock class which i decided to skip. i am drunk in the library, FINALLY figure out how to use the printer, and go put it in my professor's mailbox along with a bogus letter crying about how i had a final later tht night and needed the class time to study. such a blatant lie. so i go do that and then go back to the library to get my friend sammy who i had convinced to come to the bar with me. walking back in, i stumble RIGHT into my professor who i had just lied and handed in a paper to. she actually knows my name because i literally sit through the class sighing and being a rude judy. so there i am, in full our st patricks day regalia,noticeably wasted, while she asks me if i am coming to class. i say no, and incoherently walk away. no wonder i have a D in women's studies.

so i grab sammy and off we skip to the wonderful institution known as ted's restaurant and bar. immediately upon entering sammy buys me two irish car bombs, and i completely slaughter him in the chugging arena, which is probably a bad thing because i am a girl who is already wasted. fail. this is where things start to get hazy. i go back to durks and jenn, who hadnt left the bar, and who were now hanging out with the track team playing quarters. dont ask me how that started, i have no idea still. so i join in and then low and behold sammy comes over with two of his friends who i vaguely recognize from panama city. i of course yell this immediately and make them drink with me. durks and jenn and the rest of my crew decide to leave the bar, and in true to kelly fashion i decide that i am cool enough to stay alone and make new friends because teds is way better than thirsty. whenever i am drunk i literally get a huge ego boost and think i am gods gift to earth. and proceed to tell the world that i think this. so my friends leave, i end up in willi oaks with sammy and the two panama boys. we went for dinner but i dont think we ate... and i ended up back at teds. i dont remember how, or why, i just didnt go meet up with my friends. the world will never know. so cut to me ending up in my bed, with a panama boy, who ended up peeing the bed. on me. let me tell you, that is the worst thing one can ever be woken up to. i really dont know how to rap this up because i feel like that is an end in itself.

coming back after a long hiatus

2009-05-05T12:32:00.002-04:00

Well, I decided it was time to get it going back on blogging since the whole audience (read: claudia) probably thinks durkin is the only funny one in this operation. There is a lot to report so I will have a lot to blog about, including but not limited to sobfesting, screaming, and getting peed on (that is a story in itself..). But instead of talking about myself, i'm going to come back into the world of blogging by talking about our sole viewer: claudia. I've been best friends with balls as we call her (no idea why) since sophomore year. SHe is hilarious, an alcoholic, and a good friend, as all of my college friends are. But, she seems to get the most bizarre men EVER. it is a mystery amongst our friends as to where she finds these fellows.

My personal favorite entails a man that we call "the graduate". "The graduate" was in claudia's accounting group junior year, and for some odd reason in true claudia fashion he decided to creep the fuck out of her. Texting included "i just wanna fuck you, can i be any more clear?", "i told you i want you. we are clearly bad together and i dig it", and the gem "i wanna eat your box".

Literally everyone claudia meets decides to text her inappropriately, or say inappropriate things to her. on spring weekend claudia made out twice with this kid called "hammered" by his own friends. (claudia in retrospect sorry i completely and utterly perpetuated that one) after making out twice, claudia decided to sensually sit on his lap whilst he was perched in our friend marty's chair. as she was sitting they both fell, and the chair broke. so romantic. he also kept telling her "baby i want to rail you" and "youre my girl baby and im lovin it". sure guy, i guess she is your girl after two post pass out, blackout makeout sessions.

I'm sure there are more claudia stories but like i said i am just getting back into the swing of blogging and need to rebuild my funniness. more to come later

That, Which Is My Life

2009-05-03T21:21:00.003-04:00

I am mildly amused by the fact that because the last entry was titled "Intervention" now the google ads are all about rehab... trying to relate to the context of the blog. Cute. Also, ironic because I basically have to go to rehab now. Well, not really, more of an evaluation to judge whether I need counseling... which we all know I don't. My antics are quite acceptable when protected by the fact that I'm in college... well, not for long. The reasons for which I have to go to the depths of hell in Willimantic to talk about drugs and alcohol? That is a long, humorously horrifying tale of larceny that I will share once I deal with this 8 am I am supposed to be studying for tomorrow...

Intervention makes me feel a lot better about myself.

2009-04-13T21:31:00.006-04:00

I haven't written in a while, I have a lot of work to do and I feel like some interesting events have transpired so I figured now is as good of a time as ever to recap. Unfortunately my memory has somewhat faded, but I'll try my best. Some of my highlights from the past couple weeks:

St. Patty's Day. Went to Ted's around 12pm. I'm irish so I had to celebrate right. Skipped my afternoon class and drank green beer all day. All was good and well until we went to Thirty Dog. By this point I was wasted and can't really explain what happened. One minute I'm getting my groove on at the dance floor (aka falling all over myself) when something smacks me incredibly hard on the side of my head. It hurt like a bitch, but I didn't really know what was wrong until somebody freaked out because I had blood dripping down the side of my head. From what I can gather, because no one really saw it happen, I believe that someone got excited and in the moment whipped a glass bottle in the air and murphy's law directed straight to my head instead of the hundred other people that were around me. Drinking all day, my blood was about the consistency of water, so that didn't really help matters much either. Shoving my way through masses of people, I got to enjoy every drunk biddy in the bathroom playing doctor to my wound while I cried hysterically at the amount of blood I was losing. To top things off I ended the night with a fab drunk dial. Icing on the cake. The cut took like 3 weeks to heal and I still have a weird dent on head.

Went to a formal. That night UConn advanced to the Final Four and Pitt did not. Used that as an excuse to completely black out, while running around screaming that I was winning my bracket. No one cared because I was at a school with a d-III basketball team. Got in a fight with some guy, danced the night away and possibly overdosed on birth control, but not really... no big deal. I spent the entire next day hung over and sick until 6pm.

Night of the Final Four. The high points of my night include crying because UConn lost and proceeding to drink an entire 12 pack of beer, smash all 12 bottles outside my apartment and dedicating each one to a special someone that I hate and kicking a hole in my kitchen wall. I do not take disappointment well. Oh and apparently I punched someone in the balls twice... unnecessary and not ok. Sorry.

Somewhere in the midst of all this was my 22nd birthday... fuck that looks old... and several disasters of a nickel night. My favorite being the one where post-nickel I drank beer and watched soft core porn on demand with my neighbor until 4am.

I'll try harder to keep up to date. Not that anyone really reads this shiz anyway.

spring break

2009-03-08T22:20:00.004-04:00

First day of spring break at home. After persuading my parents to let me drive to Panama, found out that I couldn't stay in Panama. During my persuasion I promised to have a day of bonding with my dad on a fishing boat. After finding out that I wasn't going to Panama, I was much less inclined to go. How did that turn out... let me see. The engine on the boat died on the way back and we hit a sandbar. So now, at 2 in the afternoon, I am stuck on a fishing boat with my brother, meesta durks, and meesta durks' BF and proud owner of the boat who also happens to be a possible suspect in a string of unsolved murders of who else, but prostitutes. Awesome, just who I want to be stranded at sea with. FML. Now I am sunburned to a crisp with awkward lines because of my shirt and shorts. Love spring break... can I rethink my options?

nickel night

2009-03-06T17:37:00.005-05:00

went to the bar with just sarah and alexa. bad choice number one. just asking for trouble being that none of us are the responsible friend- i need a babysitter when i go out. gin and tonics. black out. apparently i may have fallen? cut to me kindly being asked to leave the bar. yes, i got kicked out of huskies. epitome of class. seriously. i tried to logically reason with the bouncer that i promised not to drink anymore and that i was just waiting for my ride, i wouldn't cause anymore trouble. he was not having it. probably because i can only assume that it was not as clearly logical and convincing as i thought amidst slurring. check that one of the bucket list... woo. i can barely look myself in the mirror.

waste

2009-03-04T16:06:00.006-05:00

I have an exam at 6pm... it's 4:06. Although I bunkered down in my room to study, I have instead been reading FML for 2 hours saying, ok after this one I will stop. Now I am blogging instead. I guess blowing 2 of my 3 (possibly 3 for 3 one grade still pending) exams last week taught me nothing. Ugh, how can I study for social deviants when I am one myself? This semester is going to single handedly destroy my gpa because I am a lazy son of a bitch.

fucking snow

2009-03-02T17:33:00.004-05:00

I love snow more than anyone. But I am so over this. It's march now, so it's spring. Not appropriate for the worst storm of the season. I tried to accept this lovely nor'easter by playing out in the snow, but it was useless. There was too much snow to make an efficient and beautiful snow angel and the snow was too fluffy to make a snowman. It kept just crumpling. Anyway, when looking for a file on my computer, I stumbled on a pathetic attempt of keeping a journal once upon a time, and it had some real exciting recaps of last Spring Weekend (well week). So to ignore the cold snow and think of better, warmer times with the sun shining and day drinking I will share my memories from last Spring Weekend. This is word for word what I wrote.

"Post-Spring Weekend Blues

I am depressed again. What’s fucking new. Let’s go over my week in general. A summarized version.

Monday: Spent all day finishing a project that I have been working on all semester and it was finally due that night. Presented it. Went well. Then went straight to the bar for “a drink”. Got fucking wasted. Drove to towers cause there was no where to park in Hilltop. Surprise. Peed in the parking lot and walked all the way home.

Tuesday: Hung over all day. Threw up on the bus on the way to a GAMMA (Greeks Advocating the Mature Management of Alcohol) meeting in an old McDonald’s bag the was left on a seat in the bus. Cool. It was 7 pm. Laughable. Really.

Wednesday: Willy Wednesday. Wasn’t that embarrassing. For once. Harassed Hasheem until someone lit a gigantic dumpster on fire and so it was time to go.

Thursday: Carriage. The kiss the person to your right game. Epic fail. Kissed a girl. Awesome. Kissed -blank-. Oh no. Went to pee in the woods and slipped and peed on myself. Went home. Rando from high school was visiting and tired to get with me. Ew. Ended up in bed with -blank-. So random, but honestly innocent……

Friday: Was asked 50 times for another sleepover. I chopped it up to be a drunk accident between friends. I am ignoring situation. Went to Celeron. Thought Coogan was Marie Peters. Once again had to leave early cause I was wasted. Came back for a coma. Unconscious and couldn't sign my guests back in. Nice.

Saturday: Oozeball. Almost kicked out for drunk mud wrestling. Alcohol bust at sig ep. Hung out at red house. Ended up at random house publishing. Got roofied. Died. Apparently fell down steps and flashed my vag. Lost my ID. Projectile vomited on Alexa. Woke up at 2 am to Justin Guarinni/Miley Cyrus in her bed. And a different high school rando who crawled in mine because someone told the drunk bitch that he should. WTF. Tried to get with -blank- and failed. Post-roofie chic isn't attractive? Who knew? Couldn't let guests in again due to roofie coma.

OH YEA and now I have pink eye."

What a lovely week I had. At least it was Spring Weekend so nothing counts. Doesn't it just get you pumped for Spring Weekend. I know I am. Already making plans and couch reservations. I know it's a bit early for thinking about it... but seriously... it's the highlight of my school year. Living in Celeron this year will make it extra special. When I lose my ID (2 years in a row this has happened now) it won't totally screw me over.

peace

text addict anonymous

2009-03-01T13:54:00.002-05:00

...so... is it a bad thing that i can't even bring my phone out with me anymore for fear of texting horribleness? some of my favorite gems of all time:

"comeph ere"

"dye" (yes.. so drunk that i thought "die" was correctly spelled)

"let's have sex"

"i would havee slepgyt over but sheelpeep over heree"

...ugh. when god gave me unlimited texting, he did it to punish.

Stories that must be shared: The Time I Found Jesus

2009-03-01T12:49:00.005-05:00

Well, I haven't blogged in years and since I just got reamed out for being lazy and distracted and not posting... it is time to get back into the swing of things. However, I find that I am in somewhat of a loss for anything to write, mostly because I didn't go out last night. So I am going to dig real deep into past journals I have written that are funny and past events that I just never got around to sharing. As promised, I will share the infamous Troy story, which still haunts me even to this day. I will waste no more time and will divulge this hilariously terrifying story.

April 2008

So, I went home with my friend (and now roommate) Kate because she wanted to hook up with some dude she met at the airport during spring break and happens to be from her hometown, Troy, NY, the place that God forgot, right outside Albany. I was pretty excited for the change of scenery and the weekend of future roommate bonding between the three of us. Also, I had finally turned 21 about 2 weeks before and this would be my first experience going to a real bar... not the classy and upscale campus establishments.

We head out to bar number one, Ryan’s Wake, and it normal drinking whatever, having a good time. Some older guy had just broken up with his girlfriend so a friend was trying to pawn us off on him, which scored us too many free shots. Unfortunately last call is made and after hours in Troy lead you to only one place... The Ruck.

We go to this shit hole that’s open all night called The Ruck. It is all wood paneled, narrow and very darkly lit. I remember these details now only because I have had the unfortunate pleasure of revisiting the Ruck, which lead to more humiliating debacles... but I digress. Well, lovely Kate wanted to do like 50 shots and so I did them with her. Jackie, being the intelligent one, courageously declined. BLACKOUT. No recollection of leaving this fabulous bar or getting back. I have flashes of memory being back at the apartment. Kate went off with her boy so we were left alone at her friend’s apartment, which was a slightly awkward situation since we were staying with people we didn't know. I got really sick and was violently vomiting, exorcism style while someone was banging on the door to make sure I was ok. I eloquently told them to fuck off and leave me the fuck alone. I have a real way with people. I was then put to bed. I VIVIDLY remember being in bed on the couch with a blanket and everything. Sleeping.

Well, I came out of blackout, standing outside on the sidewalk in a oversized brown sweatshirt and no shoes, no phone, nothing. WHAT THE FUCK! I was in bed and now I'm alone outside where it is damp and muggy. For all I know I could have been standing right outside their apartment at this time, but I was so confused and overwhelmed that I had no idea where I was and I just started walking because I couldn't think of anything else to do. Wandering around alone, in Troy fucking New York, at 5 am (I think), where people get like stabbed, I starting crying and freaking out saying that I was never going to drink again because this fucking time I had really just gone too far, alone in a strange city, without shoes or a way to contact anyone. My binge drinking and irresponsibility had really done it this time. My life could be in danger and I was terrified. I kept walking, but it didn’t matter cause I had no idea where I was going, being that I didn’t know the address or what the place even looked like and nothing looked familiar. So I get to this random street and a guy pulls over in a pick up truck and asks if I need a ride. Now obviously in my endless years in elementary school I learned never to get in the car with strangers and also, knowing that it was 5 in the morning, anyone out is probably weird. So, obviously, I open the door, get in the car to tell him that, no I would love a ride, but that I have no idea where I am going so no thank you, and then I stepped out. SO STUPID, I could have been abducted right then and there. What is wrong with me. So I am wandering and I’m getting tired and frustrated and cold because it's late and I can walk forever, but if I don’t know where exactly it is I am going, then I am shit out of luck. It was time to give up, but I did not know where to go. Suddenly, in a light of shining glory, there was a church in front of me, calling me. I figured, ‘what better place to go than a church, they’ll accept me.’ I walk over to the door to open it and sadly learned that life is not like the movies and churches are not open at all hours of the night for self-reflection. So, feeling defeated, I sat down on the stoop beneath the over-hang of the roof and curled up in a ball beneath the oversized sweatshirt and then BAM, it starts to downpour. I was so lucky I found somewhere that had covering.

I spend the next hour and a half drifting in and out of sleep, in the rain, on the stoop of a church, in the cold. Like a homeless stray dog.

I hear a door slam shut and it jerks me out of my hazy slumber. It bright and sunny out now, birds are chirping, it's warm, and everything is covered in droplets leaving that just rained aura. It was absolutely beautiful. I would have thought the night's events had been a terrible dream except for the fact that I was still shoeless outside a church. I peak around the corner and see an open mini-van being unloaded by a woman who's name I hate to say I cannot remember. Tina maybe? Well anyway I figure I have absolutely NOTHING to lose at this point anymore and bravely stride up to the woman. Just as a refresher on my image. I am in a brown over-sized hoodie (clearly a dude's), skinny jeans, barefoot and due to walking in the humid air all night my makeup has literally melted and my hair is a fro-y mess. So I ask her, as if nothing is out of the ordinary, "Excuse me, is there any possibility that I could use a phone, I'll be really fast, I just really need a phone." She goes on about how it's not her place really, she just gets to use the space on Saturdays for her club and she doesn't want to be held responsible for anything.

Me: "Look at me, do I really look like I'm a threat right now, I don't even have shoes."

Woman: sighs. "Well, I don't know what brought you here in your barefoot situation, but I believe that when you help someone, it comes back to you."

This proves my point of the exact reason I decided to come to the church haha. Well. Shocking turn of events, she hands me her cell phone and tells me I can use it for as long as I need to, but to give it back if anyone calls. I am now playing the part of homeless secretary. Ecstatic that I now had a mode of communication and the kindness that has been bestowed upon me, I immediately offer to help her carry in boxes from her car, I bring in a flat of water for her, I help wipe down the tables before the club shows up. People begin arriving, turns out it is Saturday morning scrap book club. I use this time to now make some calls, oh wait, I don't know ANYONE's number. I did know kdav's number because I used to write "for a good BJ call ###-####" in math class sophomore year. So I call to get other people's numbers, but obviously Kelly is in a drunken coma at this hour in the morning. A flash of ingenious. A couple months earlier I left my cell phone in an airport bathroom like the asshole that I am and penny counting Meesta Durks drove an hour and a half to retrieve my phone. I do know my mom's number. First call: Mom. It's 6:30 am. Meesta Durks answers the phone. My heart skips a beat. I tell him to please not ask any questions, but I really need someone's phone number from my old phone. After hassling me forever, he gives me the number. I call and call and call. Jack never picks up. Why? because it is 7 am and normal people are drunk and passed out right now, not at churches in the middle of no where. Oh, and just to mention, I am still completely shit faced, I came out of blackout at a still very sloppy and disoriented drunk and have only sobered up a little by this point. So I come back to scrapbook club hoping that I will at some point get a call back. People ask about me and are told by church woman that I am their little helper for the day. Apparently I'm 5. So she talks to me about her daughter who's studying abroad and bla bla bla like we are old friends. This would be really fucking awkward and weird if I wasn't so drunk. So finally I decide I need to call home again and get another number to call. When Mom answers she is yelling asking what is going on my Dad thinks that I am in jail. My reassuring response, "Mom, don't worry I'm not in jail, I'm in like the exact opposite of jail. I'm in a church so I'm safe, just give me this number." I call Kate who answers the 2nd time and I inform her that I am in a church and I need someone to come get me. She sighs and says she'll call me back. Without even a hint of shock or surprise. Calls are made and finally I get a hold of who I need to pick me up. I call my mom back and make up some quick bull shit story about how I ended up at church with no phone and then go return woman's cell phone thanking her endlessly for her kindness.

All is well, but she takes me aside and asks me the burning question. "I have to ask, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but what brought you here, to me, in this barefoot situation?" Still drunk and just come out with the first thing that pops into my head. I start crying and shout out, "MY BOYFRIEND ABUSES ME! I just couldn't take it anymore and I just left. He went to hit me and I didn't know what else to do. I was visiting and I'm not from around here and I had no where else to go." She grabs me and hugs me like the jaws of life. And goes on about how I can never go back to him no matter what and that her daughter went through this and it only makes you stronger. I have to kiss a lot of frogs before I meet my prince. I swear I will never go back to him and she gives me a pamphlet on domestic abuse. I'm an asshole and on a one-way street to hell, I have now gotten lost blackout drunk at a church and then lied in a house of God. See you in eternal damnation.

At this point I am so relieved that all is together(ish) that I am smiling and elated. Scrapbook club is leaving and quilting club and coming so I am helping hold the door for the old women, smiling. Living the dream. I sit down by the door and read the church bulletin while waiting for my ride and discover that I am in a Methodist church. Cool, once upon time, when I had a soul, I was baptized as a Methodist. If this isn't like Christ slapping me in the face with a sign, I don't know what is. Me and Jackie have a beautiful reunion running toward each other in front of the church and I move on to drive through this hellish city to round up Kate. Crisis averted. Well, handled.

I vowed to never, ever, ever return to that God awful place ever again. The real kicker in all of this... my boyfriend (who I will come to meet 2 months after this beautiful tale) goes to school in Troy. Fuck my life. I can't escape. One day, I may come to understand the absurd ironies that life constantly throws at me, and maybe even appreciate the humor. But as of now, life's plan is kicking my ass.

I swear to God, this is all unfabricated. Like seriously, you cannot make this shit up. The end.

Shopping for a love interest

2009-02-15T22:32:00.001-05:00

writeaprisoner.com

that is all.

2009-02-10T14:25:00.004-05:00

i've been real crap lately about posting and shiz. like there's the whole casino dram to rehash as well the troy story that has been promised. it's not even like i've been too busy to blog... busy puking, but that's really it. after i get out of class (i'd do it during class, but it is kind of awkward when people are behind you like reading it) and maybe finally fill about my teach for america essay, i promise i will share all the excruciating and hilarious dets. here's to knowing that i am still in fact alive.

2009-01-29T11:35:00.003-05:00

can we talk about how gross my room looks right now? cool i skip class all day and still can't find time to hang my shit up. so. barnyard.

Alexa Turns 21

2009-01-29T11:07:00.004-05:00

It's been a while, sorry, I know all 3 people who actually read this are distraught without us. Sooo, once again the Ruck owned my ass this weekend. This insidious bar caused my original demise, which I am yet to blog about because it is a long story and I have to tell it just right. I unfortunately blacked the fuck out there due to being handed gin and tonics and probably the 5 shots of tequila I had consumed before we even went out ....and it lead to events that I will not blog about because it is too rough and personal to divulge.

Yesterday was homewrecker's birthday. Woo 21. We celebrated with a jazzy lunch at Towers. We then went to Ted's because it was a snow day and by time we arrived at 3:30 the bar was already so crowded and everyone was wasted. Only at UConn. You also know it is a bad sign when at 4:45 you have already heard every single person at the bar shout the words to Don't Stop Believing, Total Eclipse of the Heart and My Heart Will Go On. These are songs that should be coming out at the end of the night when you aren't embarrassed that you actually know all the words. Not 5pm. We obvi kicked out the celebration with shots of tequila. As if there is anything else to drink. Later we hit up Thirsty for Nickel Night: Wednesday edition. Well, we got there at 7:30 and were THE ONLY PEOPLE THERE. Then everyone else who was with us showed up and it was then Penner dance party relocated to the bar. By time nickel started, there was maybe 10 people that weren't affiliated with us there, except that we still knew them all. COOOL party. Glad we are the only assholes who go to the bar on a Wednesday night when the roads are like treacherous and it's raining down ice.

And tonight, we pretend to be classy and roll deep at the MGM Grand. I am slightly nervous for this adventure being my last over night casino trip resulted in the roulette debacle. I am sure drunken stories will ensue from this evening. Taking us out of Celeron never results in anything but a sloppy mess. You can take the girl out of uconn, but you can't take uconn out of the girl. Sorry gay I know. Anyyyywho off to the su for some nachos. yay! peace.

....did I mention that we all own snuggies now? Fact.

cry journal

2009-01-19T15:10:00.005-05:00

I am the only asshole that signs up for an 8 am class the last semester of my senior year. Fuck me. Also, now that I have been around school most of break, I have taken liking to the fact that no one is ever really around so now I just hate that there are a million cars and lines everywhere. I am thoroughly looking forward to answering, "how was break?" for the next two weeks when I run into everyone that I didn't notice with enough time to avoid. My answer, "oh, I wore the same sweatpants for a week straight and sat in the same spot on my couch while watching 120348 episodes of Man vs. Wild, Bad Girls' Club, Doogie Howser, M.D. and learning the lyrics to the Dracula Musical from Sarah Marshall. Sadly I did not, however, complete my only goal of learning the single ladies dance." I think that is a sufficient answer. Like, cool life. When did I become such a boring and useless individual. I have 4 months until I have to become and valued member of society and I am just wasting my time doing nothing.

Class

2009-01-18T16:50:00.003-05:00

The only thing classier than eating mac n cheese straight out of the pot on the way to massachusetts is throwing it all up in the parking lot of yankee spirits and then hiding in shame from the woman who had to step around it to get in her car next to me. A real nice way to spend a Sunday afternoon if you ask me.

Ted's...the bane of my existence.

2009-01-13T12:27:00.003-05:00

So, two nights ago we went to ted's. a normal, chill night right? nope, never is. we went at five. i didnt eat before we went.two telltale signs that the night is going to result in a horrific bender. let's backtrack first though...since i turned 21 teds has been my fav bar on campus. i have been going to huskies since freshman year, so over it already (except during nickel night...on thursdays its the place to be) and i dont know why but thirsty is not my fav. too big perhaps. but the appeal of teds is that it is just a little bar, with like 7 booths, and horrible tvs. and you just sit down, order pitchers, and play cards...and when you stand up to go to the bathroom you realize that you are actually wasted and the two drinks you intended to have turned into 10 including an irish car bomb or my personal favorite, the "hockey shot" (fucking kill me). Also i think i like going there because the cliental is just hilarious. i love carl,the 60+ year old man who shows up every night in a leather fedora and just gets completely wasted. my kind of guy. okay so anyways two nights ago ash's boyfriend matt came up and we decided to take him to teds on a self proclaimed "bender night". cool, i walk in, got completely blackout, biffed people i SHOULDNT be biffing, begged my friend andrew to show up and dont remember seeing him (sorry if you read this andrew i love youuu) umm and also dont remember durks getting pulled over on the way home. and my texts were ATROCIOUS, cool kelly, are you 5? texting boys "im alone and scared, aka im drunk and want to hook up" is not classy or attractive. can i grow up... please. ugh. i should have just texted matt the celeron maintenance man with a pony tail, who i apparently made such an impression on that he jacked my number from the celeron office and texted me to wish me a happy new year. WHAT IS MY LIFE

Back off the Wagon. Sloppiness Ensues.

2009-01-13T12:11:00.004-05:00

Just got back from a really productive trip to the gym. I walked 1.5 miles on the treadmill with Kelly. So soccer mom. We talked about little Timmy's showing at last week's soccer game and what Suzy did at the PTA meeting last night. She's such a hussy. I then decided to really push my limits by doing some crunches. I immediately showed myself out of the gym and proceeded to throw up out front. In the snow. We then reminisced about my top puking stories on campus. There are just so many. I'm seriously quitting drinking, like for real. Going "out for a couple drinks" shouldn't result in playing up and down the river and fuck the dealer with like a group of like 37 year olds, and then one of them hitting on me and giving me their number. LUCKY ME. Like I'd EVER call. Cool you're old and bald and live in a basement and I'm clearly 21 and still in college. Then like whirlwind of disaster. Cut to me waking up in only my bra and underwear with my phone next to me. I wish I would just lose my phone forever, or just lock it when I know I'm going to drink so I don't get to reread my gems that I just HAD to send the night before. UGH.

2009-01-07T16:56:00.002-05:00

Ok, hypothetically, if I were intent on purchasing the brilliant product known as the Snuggie... which color should I select. Hypothetically.

End of Hiatus.

2009-01-07T16:30:00.003-05:00

Sorry, now that I am back in connecticut and have a life (if you count getting too drunk on wine, trying to learn the Single Ladies' dance and hosting your own nickel night as having a life) I haven't had time to blog. Nickel Night was obviously a fabulous success. Drinking Dubra and pretending you're at a bar while listening to buzz ballads is really a great way to spend your Thursday nights. Huskies better watch out because 3B is taking over as the premier social scene. We are pretty lax with our ID checking, so that probably helps. I got in without any form of ID and Catherine Malloy snuck in as always. She has it way too easy. In true form of Nickel Night, everyone got really slopcity and spilt shit everywhere. Sooome drunk bitch (cough) also took a tumble... 3 times. Snaps. In attempt to give my life some meaning I applied for an internship, which I now probs won't get because I was informed during the interview that it's all statistical shiz about media planning and organizing and let's face it. Me and numbers equals disaster. So my bright and glorious future of getting a McJob at McDonald's awaits me. So I'll probably spend the rest of my break watching chick flicks, drinking wine and crying per usual. Perhaps a few trips to Ted's so I'm not a hermit.

PLAYOFFS BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-12-28T21:44:00.004-05:00

DOLPHINS DOLPHINS DOLPHINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

eat it JETS and eat it PATRIOTS. It was a good fight, but going from 1-15 to 11-5 and winning the division... seriously. awesome. It's not embarrassing to be a fan anymore and I get to actually wear my jersey during a game this season. If it ever comes in the mail that is. That is all I have to say. I am super excited!! YAY!

it's christmas time at the durkin's

2008-12-27T17:54:00.004-05:00

I'll post, because I haven't in a while and I'm sure Claudia is really missing the blog :-P. It frankly did NOT feel like Christmas at all this year. I mean, the house was decorated and all, but I just didn't feel the spirit, no matter where I went. Except during the Holiday extravaganza/powerhour at Penner. It kind of just felt like I went through the motions, without all the excitement. Probably has something to do with this is the first time I'm really feeling and seeing the recession in action. I didn't even get the only gift I really wanted... well I did, just not yet. In the cruel irony that rules my life, my Ronnie Brown jersey is somewhere in Connecticut, because the retards at Fed Ex routed a whole truck wrong and it went to Willington... yes, Willington. Cool. would be nice if I actually was in CT. So now I don't have my jersey for the big game tomorrow, I feel like this is a bad omen. Otherwise, Christmas went ok actually. Grandma didn't leave in the middle of dinner crying like last year. No one got in a fight. And everyone seemed to get what they wanted. Little bro got his video games, I got a GPS so now I one more gadget in the car to provoke an accident and Meesta Durks got his welder and toaster that he bough himself, and his court date in the mail. MERRY CHRISTMAS! All in all, I'd say the Holiday went fairly well. Next hurrah: New Years. Sounds like my plans are a mess right now, and I have done nothing to alter that. I'm letting people who are in the same region take care of that one. I'll deal with my options on... I don't know, the 30th perhaps. I'm not a planner so no use in starting now.

I tried to buy everyone souvenirs today, but everything in Daytona was sooo unbelievably tacky that they weren't even funny gifts. They were just sad. So I didn't get any. Instead, I went on a romantic date with my brother to play mini golf. And he beat me. And showed me how cool he was cause he got us in for free since "his buddy" worked there. He also revealed to me that he's gotten so high that he's previously passed out in a friend's lawn for two hours AND gotten soo drunk that he lost 5 games of beer pong and puked. I don't know what I am more upset about. The fact that my little brother is telling me this shit when I thought he was like scared of drinking, or the fact that 5 games of beer pong were enough to make his puke everywhere. So not living up to the Durkin standards. I am tempted to get him plastered and show him how to really drink, but the little pansy doesn't drink beer. He doesn't like the taste. What is he? A freshmen girl?

Well I'm off. Time for family games... I know how this is going to end. Meesta Durks is going to suck and get mad cause he's a sore loser and stomp away to his room. I am the most responsible and mature person in my house. What a sad, sad thing.

all time low

2008-12-23T01:18:00.002-05:00

durks, marty, claudia and i just found a website that streams the office 24/7.

but of course, in true "us" fashion, we found the chatroom feature on the side, and completely abused it. we singlehandedly ruined the night of the chat room monitor. i know this sounds completely lame, but trust me, it was funny.

hustler, you'll always have my heart.

dying

2008-12-21T22:29:00.002-05:00

did i mention how bored i am... and that i might be losing my mind

2008-12-20T20:44:00.004-05:00

Minutes police Durks has just banned me from talking to anyone who does not use at&t because my use has apparently tripled in the past couple months. Whatever. My 360 outside minutes has nothing on his 940. Seriously, how can he even get mad at me. So not fair. Mr. Dick McCheap ass doesn't want to go over so III have to modify my usage and only make calls to Verizon users until after 9 p.m. or weekends, then, I can go wild. WOOHOOO. Fuck my life. Maybe if he spent a little more time on his counterfeit bill business he wouldn't be counting pennies. Just saying.

for durks

2008-12-20T11:48:00.003-05:00

i dont like blogging unless i have something to say, and home is uneventful so i dont. and i really dont think anything can top the mr durks videoblog (vlog if you will) i can regale you with snowed in at the davis house though. my day started at 7am yesterday when my mom decided to yell to the whole house that school was cancelled, sweet life. then my brother wouldnt get up to help shovel, so my dad screamed at him. on a side note, i love that the davis's are still stuck in 1950, and thus because im a girl i dont have to shovel, but my brother has had to since age 4. thanks sexism, seriously, thanks. um then i worked at the package store 2 to 6, and it was shocking how many people came in DURING THE BLIZZARD. and not to like buy bottles of wine for parties that were tonight, no, nothing of the sort. they came in and bought like half pints of brandy and were like "wow, its snowing, huh?" yeah douchebag, its snowing. i dont think your '82 ford taurus is really a safe vehicle to be driving to the package store in one of the worst blizzards we have had in years. but, i totally understand your emergency and need for a whole entire half pint. im sorry that your life sucks so bad that you will risk your life to go to the package store to get a little booze. heres to looking at you, guy. um beyond that i really have nothing to blog about except that im legit going to lose it if i have to stay snowed in for another hour. durks, lets go to cali next year, fuck it.

2008-12-19T16:01:00.003-05:00

dear kelly,

i am dominating the blog and i don't like it. you're snowed in. write something dammit.

that is all.

cordially,

ashley

p.s. i told you mr. durks' skin color matched his shirts.

MERRY CHRISTMAS KELLY!!!!

2008-12-18T20:57:00.006-05:00

After yelling at me saying that I only wanted to do this in a "derogatory" way because I probably just wanted to make fun of him, (which is true, but he doesn't need to know that) he filmed this... I actually cannot believe he agreed to do this. He even smiled. And waved. This is take like 23649326 because he didn't like that I unexpectedly sprung it on him and he wanted to do a better one. MERRY CHRISTMAS KELLY. Don't say I never gave you anything.

Love,

Me (and Meesta Durks)

Mr. Moneybags

2008-12-18T20:34:00.003-05:00

fact: mr. durks is making counterfeit money in his office and got mad when we could immediately tell the difference. cool. yes. this IS my life.

my trip to the beach

2008-12-17T21:37:00.003-05:00

So I escaped my house of oppression and was cruising down the A1A feeling pretty suave in my mom's red corvette on the way to the beach. Still slightly happy, I emerged from the car and walked to the crosswalk to walk on the beach. I'm not even out of the car for 2 minutes when a shitty white pick-up pulls up to a stop sign with some degenerates hanging out the windows. I knew it was coming... "SHOW ME YOUR TITTIES!" I so eloquently responded with, "fuck off" and much to my excitement the car truck behind them obliged me and joined in on the conversation to inform me what a "fucking slut" I am. I sure love Daytona. What a classy sort of town. Who knew that Daytona Beach would make my shoebox apartment and "yard" full of busch light cans and shattered class seem respectable.

I also just made the most extraordinary realization. As my father emerged from his bedroom this evening in only his tighty whities and a beer, I suddenly discovered (while shielding my eyes and yelling) that my father is a shitty, poor man's version of the great Randy Marsh. Except fatter, a lot less funny, and not nearly as cool.

bored

2008-12-16T22:48:00.004-05:00

I am bored and trying to distract myself from how utterly depressed. and hot I am right now.

• You know you are a nerd if you find this even kind of humorous... you know I obviously did. i 4m 4 1053R.

• If you're really really bored... here's a time killer. kinda interesting. and pretty dead on... except that it told me I'd make a great mom. note: write in cursive or it doesn't really work.

• It would take 48 cups of starbucks to kill me.

...i just thought that was funny. and sick. going to bed now. maybe.

waste

2008-12-16T19:11:00.003-05:00

well. it is pretty much settled. i'm never going to get a good job because my gpa is garbage. maybe if i spent more time studying and going to class and less time fucking around i would go somewhere in life. here's to being a trophy wife because that is pretty much all i have left as an option. i'm broke and stupid. this is soooo becoming 'cry journal' really fast. now i can just sit here alone and sulk about my patheticness forever. speaking of being an idiot, 2 of my classes for next semester are on regional campuses. cool was i on fucking crack when i made my schedule. no more 4 day weekend, which is probably good because apparently i have to spend more time on my studies anyway or i am going to graduate with like a 1.0. going to crawl in a hole now. see ya next year when i'm homeless and alone working at the mcdonalds in willimantic.

MEESTA DURKS

2008-12-15T23:12:00.001-05:00

For your viewing pleasure:

For the record, Meesta Durks is short. and fat. and his skin is THAT EXACT SAME COLOR. swear.

riveting life

2008-12-15T00:16:00.002-05:00

I havent posted in a while, finals took a lot out of me. open bar at huskies took even more out of me. i will never have an open bar at my wedding unless i want to get carried out in similiar fashion, with cell phone in hand, texting the world, bra out, and dignity even further out. cool blacking out at 9. also cool to go to teds and drink two pitchers alone at 5. sorry for driving my ass there jacks, my B.

Wow durks, I wish my first day at home was as exciting as your life in florida. If Meesta Durks hates MADE, never show him the hills, although he might find a kindred spirit in spencer? no? too close? Life in the Davis house was really exciting... we made a family field trip to the house of WASPs, aka my paternal grandparents who dont like me and blatantly give me at LEAST thirty dollars less than my cousins in my christmas card and still wrap their furniture in plastic at their Cape house during the summers when i visit. sorry that i spilled cheeto's on the couch when i was THREE. sorry i'm not sorry. so, over there we continued with the holiday spirit and decked the halls... which entailed me and my siblings running around the house hanging up ornaments on the tree while my grandfather asked me about my future and wondered aloud why i do not have a job. ROUGH. so after that, i came home, and watched tv with my sister. cool life, love christmas break when my friends arent home yet. actually i dont even know if they are home because im currently on my sisters computer since mine is broke, along with my cell phone (which thinks its really cute to shut off in the middle of use) my digital camera, and my iPod. merry christmas kelly, too bad you already spent all of your christmas present money on your spring break and all youre getting is a card with a palm tree on it.

Day Deux

2008-12-13T21:21:00.002-05:00

Had another riveting day. I watched... three movies. Cool fucking life. Then I went for a run due to nothing better to do. Upon my first foot hitting the pavement, I suddenly remembered how much I ABSOLUTELY LOATHE running and wanted to die. It was a short run, due to hatred and the fact that I am terribly out of shape. Now I am watching movie number 4. This is really really rough. Maybe it'll be warm tomorrow so I can at least be a bronzed goddess.

Flo Rida: Day One.

2008-12-12T18:08:00.002-05:00

My first day back at home since May. It began brilliantly at 6 am when told I had to pay $15 to check my bag, I responded with, "are you fucking kidding me." The lady kindly asked me not to speak to her that way. Well, not so kindly. Then my flight got delayed for 2 hours. Lame. I have spent my evening at home fighting with Meesta Durks about the show Made and whether or not people in reality TV are paid and that reality TV is awful and that no one would ever go on TV without getting a paycheck. Silly Meesta Durks, obviously he does not understand the vapid and shameless things people of our generation will do for attention. This inevitably turned into a HUGE debacle resulting in the remote being hid from me. I am so so happy to be home again. Only two weeks... only two... fuck that's a long time.

exams

2008-12-09T22:13:00.003-05:00

I just had 4 exams and a 10 page paper due in two day. How did I prepare for such a trying schedule you may ask? Easy peasy. Here are some hints from the exam school of durks. Yesterday, I watched Scarlet takes a tumble like 5 times. Once in the co-op cafe while there was a black, who strikingly resembled her might I add, was sitting next to us while we cackled. I don't think she appreciated us laughing at her fallen sister. Then researched her because I wanted to know the story behind the vulnerable girl in the video. Fun fact. She's only 15 and me and Kelly have now seen it enough to sing the song. I also watched the whole version that shows the whole song and her getting up after the fall. Hilarity. I also had 3 cups of hot chocolate, which one of them almost killing my roommate from death by exploding plate that was sitting on a burner because Master Chef Durks turned the wrong one on. Oh, going out and drinking when you vowed to stay in is another CLUTCH move to make when preparing for finals. Also, if you are feeling stressed about that paper that you just spent a million hours on. My advice. Don't read it, just print it and pass it in. If you don't know the actual quality of what you handed in, you can't sit there and freak out about if you're teacher will like it because you don't even know if its good. Never has failed me. Seriously. Even Clinton Love Fest scored me a B+. I suck at school work. I mean, when I do try to prepare, or rather Kelly does, by preparing the entire essay for Propaganda class, you get slapped in the face with 10 SHORT ANSWERS on the exam THAT ARE CUMULATIVE and you had absolutely no idea. Thanks Cliffy, even your cool new classes aren't going to smooth this over. I mean really what can you do at that point. I dropped my head on my desk and laughed because exams suck cock. SO OVER THEM BUT WHO CARES CAUSE IM DOOOOOOOONE!

better than the kanye "george bush hates black people" tirade?

2008-12-08T23:54:00.002-05:00

http://bravenewfilms.org/blog/46750-nas-on-the-colbert-report-o-reilly-is-afraid-of-me

hardest class on campus

2008-12-08T16:19:00.001-05:00

This cartoon is one of the many that durkin and i failed to watch during our propaganda in film class. I dont know if you want to watch it, it might be over one's head.

....hoowww do we have C's in this class? Embarrassing.

maybe this will help you with your paper durks

2008-12-08T14:11:00.001-05:00

i cant take credit for this, colin sent it to me like weeks ago. so funny. i give props to someone who can procrastinate to such an extent that they created that. good work.

Pulitzer Prize

2008-12-08T12:45:00.001-05:00

currently writing Obama and Garbage, the long-awaited and riveting sequel to Bill Clinton Love Fest. Soon! In a trash can near you.

i dont even want to go to school with these people

2008-12-06T17:36:00.003-05:00

read some of these if you ever think YOU are a huge loser, cause youre not. i never want to go to school with these fucking losers. im way too cool for them. who literally remembers every question in that much detail of a FIVE HOUR TEST? no, im not bitter. only a little.

top five worst christmases ever

2008-12-06T16:09:00.005-05:00

I've had a few doozeys... if it wasn't me it'd be comical. well, it's still comical. except for the most recent one, which is still leaving me with feelings of homicide. eesh.

Starting with the least bad and getting worse:

1. Christmas, 1991= i caused an absolute shitfit at the Wethersfield Police Department's Annual Family Christmas party. Apparently, I really wanted a minnie mouse tea set this year, or so i was told. The party was held on like... i dont remember obviously, like mid december. so my mom had already got me the tea set for actual christmas, and at the christmas party, "santa" (who was actually my dad's boss at the time.. cool) got me a barbie. nice guy, right? no, not to my four year old self, because i kicked santa's shins, called him a jerk, and proceeded to knock over the snack table on my run out of the building, knocking hot coffee all over "santa"'s wife. boy, were my parents proud.

2. Christmas, 1994= This year, i was seven. my younger bro was three. my house in wethersfield is on a hill where kids sled and stuff, so this year my mom got me this like really sick toboggan. of course, i was a huge asshole at this point in my life, and still struggling with not being an only child, even though i hadnt been since i was 3 and a half cool. anyways i didnt like my brother because he was still the baby and thus got most of the attention. I put Jamie on the toboggan and pushed him down the hill, where he proceeded to run into a tree, smash his face open, and scream bloody murder. i then got all my christmas presents taken away until new years, which is a long time when youre little. AND my grandparents still like im a sociopath...it's fiiine.

3.Christmas, 2000= this year, at the middle school december dance, my friend lisa was really cool and had a boyfriend and i had braces and was so skinny that i looked anorexic. (thank god when i started drinking that little problem was solved) she convinced me to go to the dance with her, where the LIGHTS were on because of the newly instituted "freeze the freak" initiative (don't ask... apparently middle schoolers from wethersfield were getting too down and dirty to be allowed night dance privileges) and everyone had their cool twisties in their hair. (can someone go back to 2000 and tell every middle school girl that 99.9% of girls look bad in white girl cornrows?) so i'm there with lisa being a wall flower and trying to dance to sisqo with her, and then brian mcknights "back at one" came on and i had no one to slow dance with, and proceeded to go get soda and like cry in the bathroom. hahaha

4. Christmas, 2004= Oooh. this was a rough one. at this point i was really cool and was past the twisties and braces days of middle school. my friends and i were planning this sick christmas dress up party for my friend cait's birthday to be held december 19th. we invited like half of our grade, got new dresses, made sure the boys didn't wear sweatpants. cut to me getting rejected from providence college that afternoon (its fiiiine, i can joke about it, because i reapplyed freshman year just to see if i could get in. i did, suckas.) and me showing up at the christmas party unshowered, wearing sweatpants, and pulling a classic kelly and turning it into "all about me". sorry cait, sorry i ruined your birthday party.

5. Christmas, 2008= haha, kidding! this one isnt really the worst one yet, but i really punted the lsat's today by FILLING THE SECTION THREE QUESTIONS INTO THE SECTION FOUR GRID!! it doesnt sound that bad, but if they dont accept my like pleas and begging i literally got none right for 3 of the 4 sections. but its fine, i'll find out by monday if they accepted my excuse and if not, ill cancel my score and OFF TO THE BAR i'll go.

anyways, at least my life isnt this bad? im not 500 pounds and think i can sing? so funny.

unfair.

2008-12-05T17:44:00.005-05:00

Unlike durks, i had SUCH a productive day. i was at the library from 11:30 til 5:30, didnt go on facebook, aim, or take a break once. are you thinking i turned over a more productive, mature leaf? no, i just discovered the magic of concerta. It is superbly awesome. I literally have never been more focused, i just wanted to do work. the fact that i saw two people that im normally reaalllyyy awkward over? didnt matter. i didnt even care, all i wanted to do was logic games and figure out what color lights were on house A if house B had green ones. (LSAT language...fucking kill me) I wish i still had adhd because i did as a kid but apparently i "dont" anymore, or else id stock up on that shit. i mean, i do feel bad for people that do have adhd because i know that it sucks since i had it (But "outgrew it") but like seriously it is a miracle drug. universities should give it out, it would definitely boost grades.

BUT what kills me is that the library is a really cool social hangout. i showed up in sweats and my little sisters wethersfield soccer '07 t shirt that i spilled bleach and god knows what else all over. but you would think we were at huskies....everyone was all jazzed out, pounds of makeup, uber tight victorias secret sweats which leave nothing to the imagination... for a minute i thought i took a wrong turn and was really at the bar. and then everyone acts all surprised when they see each other there. i heard a girl near me go "i stalked "mike's" away message, hes here! do i look cute?" and then five minutes later "oh my gosh mike! what are YOU doing here? [bitty, its finals week. who ISNT there?] i am a mess ugh! want to study for political science together?" fucking kill me. i have no respect for people who library date it or go to the library to look for dates. flirt to them on the weekends, not during finals when the rest of us want to shoot our brains out and do NOT want to hear about your next bar social night. And if you dont go to uconn, sorry for this tirade, but since claudia is our only reader she'll get this: i think it's an unwritten rule that if youre past level 2 at homer babb, you DONT TALK. if im on the third floor, i dont want to hear you laughing and flirting and being annoying.

okay back to work before the concerta wears off.

will power. let's see if i have any

2008-12-05T13:05:00.002-05:00

I am hereby no longer blogging, or going on facebook, until both my papers are written. That is 12 pages in total. See you next year.

get me a fucking life

2008-12-04T17:38:00.001-05:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

I LOVE CHRISTMAS

2008-12-04T14:54:00.001-05:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

2008-12-04T13:01:00.002-05:00

I have nothing exciting to write. I just am evading work. I did make a study guide so yay me, but I also wasted 2 hours watching October Sky, which I love... and cried a little. Also, while studying I was Perezing and it totally sucks to be a Comm major right now. Like seriously. Every broadcasting conglomerate is laying off like hundreds of employees. How will a person ever get their foot in the door and if company's can't even afford who they already have. I am fucking terrified to graduate and enter this shitty economy. How am I ever going to find job with such a useless major? I should have gone into the sciences, why the hell am I so shitty at math. Less cash=less people buying shit=less extra money for advertising=every media medium in the shitter. Fuck this. McDonald's here I come.

2008-12-04T01:24:00.001-05:00

Another fact. solo shot now has a stache. i need to get some new pics. that is all.

2008-12-03T20:35:00.001-05:00

hahaha

2008-12-03T20:20:00.002-05:00

fact. in a mad rush not to miss the jonas brothers perform during the lighting of the tree, i ran into a wall. it really hurt. what hurt even more was the crashing blow of my dignity. ah, who am i kidding. i lost that a long time ago. i don't like myself.

more b. spears love

2008-12-03T14:27:00.002-05:00

fact. britney spears' concert dates are announced and she is coming to mohegan sun on march 26th. just in time for my birthday. the tickets are a little $$$ but happy birthday to meee!! so excited! i should rock my halloween costume.

2008-12-02T22:37:00.002-05:00

...excuse me. I ALSO told you that you looked very skinny today and that if life is going to suck, at least you'll look good. Does that mean nothing to you?

PS I want my fucking 80s clothes back biotch.

Reasons Why I'm Awesome

2008-12-02T22:16:00.003-05:00

You know, I was feeling down about myself today, and am posting from the library. I have only been to the library twice all semester, so this is kind of monumental. I'm here because I talked to my friend from highschool today who goes to school in DC and her shit is so together so i came to the library to pretend to do work/try to score some concerta or adderoll from some friends. Anyways, over dinner today I was whamming to durkin about how much i suck. The conversation went as follows:

Areas of my life that are going well:
1. School- Nope, it is a hot mess. I am taking the jokiest classes on campus, one in particular being called "propaganda in cinema". I cheated on the midterm using an SAE (frat) bluebook from last semester, and somehow realized 15 minutes before the test that the said bluebook's essay was word for word copied from wikipedia. at this point, what can you do but laugh? i pulled off a c+ but jerome dyson got an A. wohoo, i'm officially more dumb than the uconn basketball team. go me. I also have my senior history thesis due at midnight. my professor told me it was such a rough draft that he wouldnt critique it, and its currently 10:24 and i'm blogging. that should give you an indication of how scholastic im being.
2. Family- Welp, that is not so great as well. My Dad calls me "paris hilton" and thinks that i will be "freeloading off of him until im 45". Which like, touche craig, you are right. stop giving me credit cards, and i'll stop maxing them out. I am also in trouble for being drunk on thanksgiving, which im sure you all read about in my previous entries. it's rough being a davis.
3. Future- This one stings the most. I have done no law school apps yet, I paid (aka my dad paid) 1,500 buckaroos for me to take kaplan LSAT class, I went to every class hungover (cool kaplan why would you schedule classes on sundays you dumb fucks) and am probably the first student in kaplan history to start off at a 157 and basically plateau off. most people i know started at like 140s and actually DID the course and went up. but no, im a huge asshole. I also have not gotten teacher recommendations yet, and the apps need to be in by christmas. fucking awesome.
4.Boys- this is actually laughable. I'm not going to go into it, but let's just say drunk texting the boy you have feelings for, when he has stopped responding since...october? is probably a bad idea. especially when he thinks you are a huge whore (rightfully so, as you made out with his best friends, in front of him, multiple times.) it is also bad when you lead on about half of the world. i am probably the only one of my friends who is still living the dream and completely drunk slutting it up. someeebodyyy stooppppp meeeee.
5. Finances- I have 15 dollars in my wallet. I just bounced a check for my cable bill. it was 16.93. I also thought that given my fabulous financial situation, it would be fine to pay for my friends bar covers on sunday night. yep, all three of them. what a baller. go out with me to the bars guys, i think im rich. i'm not.

As i told this to durks, she told me that "it's okay, you have great bangs and a really popular blog" aka, my roomate and claudia read it. cool. okay, well now that i feel wonderful about myself, i am going to go jump off the roof of homer babb. see ya never.

i'm baaAck

2008-12-02T21:22:00.003-05:00

Sorry, I have been on slight hiatus, but I assure you that I am back in action. I have a 10 page paper to write, a review sheet and another paper... so obviously I am bumper stickering the SHIT out of people and blogging. Way to go. Question. Do people ACTUALLY send those overly cutesie bumper stickers to their significant other? Like really. They are so gay I would be horrified if I ever received one AND would have no dignity if I sent one. Even worse are the Twilight ones. Like cool vampire cult. Over it. Yes. Unfortunately I read the book out of sheer curiosity and I have no respect for anyone who finds it a quality piece of literature. It is written in an 8th grader's reading equivalency. I probably could have written something more intelligent. It is so fucking corny, beyond anything you would actually go, "aw that's so cute, I wish a boy would say that to me." If someone uttered, "you are my life now," I would immediately be creeped out and assume they are a loser... and possibly look into a restraining order. I automatically assume you are dumb, pathetic and have an affection for low art if you are one of those girls swooning for a love story between a 17 year old and a 90 year old 17 year old vampire. Ok, I am finished. This was just fresh in my mind because it became a conversation topic in my last class and I was -this- close to blowing my brains out. Ok. I'm finished.

Blogworthy occurrences. Let's see. Well this past weekend I went to Atlantic City.

Upside: We got a free room in the Trump Plaza Hotel because someone had an uncle who was a high roller. Ballin'. I won $20 on the slot machines when I first sat down. We got in no cover in a club and danced to some sweet Jersey techno.

Downside: I got really drunk and therefore spent money I DID NOT have. I should have gotten kicked out because I:

a. dropped my phone IN THE ROULETTE. Yes. In the spinner, while it was mid-spin. At 3 am. And tried to walk away in a "that wasn't me who just dropped my iphone in the roulette fucking up your chance to win" kind of way. Straight fool.

b. walked behind the dealer, which I had no idea was illegal. oops. I got bitched out for it and still didn't understand why.

Other downsides include that I only won one turn at roulette after playing way too many times not knowing what the fuck I was doing, my

drink got knocked over said roulette table (not by me thank god because that probably would have been the last straw), sent an ungodly amount of like love professing texts AND, to top it all off, got stuck sleeping on the floor sharing one pillow and one blanket with a kid. Did I mention it was FUCKING FREEZING in the room. Overall, I'd have to say it was a fun experience.

We Christmatized our apartment last evening. It looks a little less Fraternity McDude's place than it did previously. That's all you can really ask for when you are placing green and red lights over a beautiful decor of a Keystone banner around your "kitchen."

Britney Spears is awesome. Buy her CD. Or illegally download it like I did. A week ago. This is my favorite song. It should probably be yours too. Today is her 27th birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Yes, we are getting that fucking old that Britney is like legitimately an adult. Yikes.

Last but not least, my Chi is dead. FUCK Chi. I w

ill never buy their straightner again. They suck. This is the 2nd one to die on me in just over a year. Great waste of $150. I will learn to love my new hairstyle of uncontrollable curl and frizz.

Peace out mutha fuckas. I will leave you with this, as it IS B. Spear's BDay. The Evolution of Britney Spears circa Halloween '07. I will NEVER go blonde.

age aint nothin but a number

2008-11-27T13:07:00.002-05:00

...i'm just saying that to make myself feel better about the fact that i gave my number to someone from the wetherfield high school graduating class of '96 last night. making him 30 years old. its fiiiiine. not. its also fine to almost get kicked out of the bar for standing on the actual bar, singing "hot and cold" complete with dance moves. its also totally socially acceptable to throw up in the trashcan at the wethersfield newington annual football game, where your little brother is starting, and everyone and their mother is there. in my defense, my cousin pat was puking in the trashcan next to me, so that is a little better. ugh...happy thanksgiving y'all. kill me.

eh

2008-11-26T11:23:00.004-05:00

sorry kel, not crazy about that song at all. the only just jack song i know is this one. and i like it better :-P. here's a shout out to claudia, our only avid reader and fan, who has hounded for another blog post because she's bored haha. so, so far i've done nothing over break except eat and sleep. and i've done both in excess. i have a shit ton of work to do, but no, instead i watch tv. i promise there will be at least one good story after tonight. apparently i am the only person in the entire world who didn't know that the day before thanksgiving is the biggest party night? ok, maybe not being kicked out of up or on the rocks by the bouncer for my INGENIOUS plan to use the men's room good, but something will happen, because it's me. we will be raging in hoboken. new york is way to expensive. there is no way i am paying $40 cover to get in, to then spend a million dollars on drink JUST so i can maayybe catch a glimpse of vinny chase. no thanks. ugh i just want it to be winter break so i have absolutely nothing to worry about. except my parents. and the whole getting a job thing. ugh. fuck this shit.

bloggin' it up

2008-11-26T10:27:00.003-05:00

Check this song out

Sorry we have been slacking on the blog front lately, i dont know about durks but i was giving my liver and dignity a rest for a few days. BUT tonight is the biggest bar night of the year, so clearly ill participate. My goal? to either get all my drinks bought for me, dance on the bar, or to be so out of control that i get kicked out. maybe all three. I am also going to upper on the rocks, where durks got banned from this summer for peeing in the men's urinal because she was clearly too cool to wait in the line. which is true, we just arent the kind of people to wait in line.... ever.

we suck

2008-11-24T12:14:00.001-05:00

this is how blogs get started. true story. case and point.

note to kelly: thanks for wearing ALL my clothes. then making fun of them. fuck off. miss you!

just some advice

2008-11-21T15:46:00.004-05:00

One way to NOT make a party better is to drink tequila until it is fun. trust me, it doesnt work. especially when you chase it with beer. it just leads to an inevitable blackout with inappropriate texts flying to all. also, dressing 80s is always a way to get too drunk as you just look ridiculous and thus drink to make that sitch better. sorry to everyone that encountered my drunk ass last night. whirlwind of disaster. now not only am i hiding from half of celeron, i now haveto avoid half of my frat. rough. at least i got to biff kim, and we kissed per usual. (ill pause so you can formulate a visual.) biffing is best friending, btw. i have my own language, so you'll soon learn. okay, im off to clean my room as i have half of 1982 on my floor. go blondie. just an aside, the outfit i am wearing pictured on the left is actually from durkins closet, and she actually wore it to a party freshman year. no, not a theme party. yes, she thought it was cool. yes, its mesh.

drunk blogging? hmmm..

2008-11-20T00:02:00.003-05:00

SOoooooo I just got home from Teds,(eeesh, its wednesday) and im severely buzzed, but waiting up for my roomates so deccided to blog it uPPppp. Teds was so crowded, especially with ugly girls. and fat ones. sorry, now that i'm drunk my filter is completely off. I should probably install google's drunk email protector to this thing, but whatever. no filter wohoooo. okay well anyways, i went to a fratty dinner with durks (obvi) barlow, kim, jess and kate tonight, which was really fun especially since ive never been legal at margaritas before so that was wicked jazzy even though i had to charge my drinks to my "emergency only" credit card. SORRY DAD. It was a little awky for reasons im not drunk enough to discuss. i will probably perpetuate the bad decisions tomorrow, its fiiine. sorry if you are not one of the five people that know what im talking about. anyways, i jsut tried to make pasta and the smoke alarm went off because i forgot the water was boiling. who let ME live in an apt, really? and now the heat is BLASTING i have it set at 76 sorry roomates but its freeeezing and i dont pay for it. cool, spoiled much? south park is on it is about vampires, i like the show true blood but the twighlight novels sound so lame im sorry. like cool who the fuck is edward cullen i dont care youre like 15. it actually reminds me of durkin because right now butters is telling off the vampires and durks loves butters. and vampires. and anything emo. i wish she was at the bar with me tonight because i was awky 5th wheel with my roomates and the set of twins that they are macking off of. ROUGH. more later. anyways, i am scared for the induction party for the frat tomorrow because i'll probably do something really dumb. like, really, really dumb. okay, enough drunk rambling sorry for those of you who read this its LAME. BYE Bye BYE BYE bYE

fun fact

2008-11-19T16:21:00.002-05:00

Obama would use an Apple. Although, I cannot believe he smokes. Basketball hoop... so stereotype.

pathetic

2008-11-19T13:20:00.006-05:00

this is what me and kelly have done today:

1. ate our weight in bagels... and contemplated seconds.

2. watched 27 dresses and cried about our lives.

3. followed up chick fest "wah why can't i meet someone like that" with a rousing rendition of love song by taylor swift... with tears.

4. played it again.

5. watched the music video

you have permission not to like us because i don't like us either

That's what she said

2008-11-18T22:44:00.000-05:00

Oscar: Andy, something is wrong with that woman.
Andy: What is wrong with her?
Oscar: I'd like to know. You should call her and ask her. I'd like to know what's wrong with her.
Andy: I should call her and ask her. What is wrong with her?
Oscar: Do it! It's a--- Call her! [Andy holds up phone] Oh my God, don't call her! Don't call her, Andy. [giggling] Andy, don't call her!
Andy: Too late, too late. It's dialing... now it's ringing. [Oscar laughs] Shh...
Angela: [on phone] Hello? Hello?
Andy: What is wrong with you?
Oscar: Why won't you do Andy?
Angela: What?
Andy: That was Oscar and he wants to know why you won't do me and I think it's a valid question.
Angela: Are you drunk?
Andy: This is Andy Bernard!
Angela: I know who this is!
Andy: I wanna take you to sex school.
Angela: What?
Dwight: [over phone] Who is that monkey?
Andy: Is somebody there?
Angela: Are you drunk?
Andy: I have needs.
Angela: We will discuss this later.
Andy: Naked.
Angela: What?
Andy: We'll discuss it later naked. I want to see you naked.

Fun Fact

2008-11-18T18:19:00.005-05:00

i don't stop for pedestrians. if you see a red suv barreling towards you down the road... run. i will not even decelerate for you.

also, i parked in the handicap spot for my 3 hour night class. here's to hoping my fucking car is still there.

there are 8 people in my class right now. i always skip class. if i have stirred up the will to come to class in this 20 degree weather, then other people have absolutely no excuse. seriously. i actually have my best attendance record in this class ever. i've only missed one. go me.

....did i say 8. 3 just left while my teacher went outside to smoke for a hot minute.

i'm writing my final paper for my class on south park and social constructs. i love being a communication major.

what i've being doing/learning during class instead of taking notes:

• Hilarious = Top 10 Unfortunate Political One-liners. sorry, i find politics funny.

• Good news. i love Obama even more. this is going to be a ballin' administration.

• Donovan McNabb, a fucking pro football player, didn't know that a game could end in a tie... really. you're an idiot. he's been playing for 10 years.

• i can't find the article, but they are thinking about building a space elevator. yes. elevator. it would run on a cable going from a platform hub in the ocean to ... who knows where. how long of a cable would that be? is that even seriously possible. obvi the japanese are behind this shenanigan. sooooo sci fi.

Stressy Bessy

2008-11-18T17:06:00.003-05:00

So, most of you who know me at all know that this year I have put very minimal time into my schoolwork. I don't know if it's because I live off campus in the so called "party apts" or because i frankly dont give a fuck. But every once in a while I just start to think about the future and bug the fuck out. I am supposed to have already been applying to law schools and be well on my way to a bright and shining legal career just like daddy wants, but to be honest I need to retake the LSATs because I fucked up on them, have not asked any teachers for letters of recommendations because I dont talk in class, and go to maybe 4 of my 8 classes per week. and that is a good week. I made the mistake of whambulance-ing to my mother about this, who proceeded to go on about how all i do is get ready for parties, go to parties, drink too much, call people ugly, and max out my credit cards. Although there is a smidge of truth to that accusation, i argued back (like the lawyer in training that i am) that I am really stressed about school and dont have time for her shit (cool kelly, youre the one who called HER. nice argument). But in reality, honestly the last thing I truly gave thought to was how bullshit mtv is for being called MUSIC television while there are no shows about music on it anymore (rip, trl. carson, you and your too skinny ass will be missed. but lala get your ass back to b.e.t.) I havent been stressed about school in months because I just dont do anything, and being a political science and history major i float on with my superior sense of bullshitting via term paper. I SHOULD be working on my ten page fascism thesis paper, but instead I am engrossed in perezhilton.com (hey everyone, rihanna got a new tattoo, be on the lookout people) Like I dont know when my priorities got so fucked up, but i guess i'll just keep "livin my life" (yes, i just alluded to the t.i. song which is my current ringtone even though its really overplayed..dont hate) until i have to face the consequences.... i mean, why not live off my parents until they officially cut me off? right? just keep riding the waves, its all smooth sailing for at least the rest of the year until i wind up back on their couch...

Geekalicious

2008-11-18T00:14:00.006-05:00

OMFG. I need this bag. It's the keybag. And it is amazing. Call me a nerd, I am one so it is totally fine. But this bag is fucking awesome. It says, "I am trendy, but I speak geek fluently." Hello, me in a nut shell. I would totally buy this like now, however, it's a hot 128 euros. I don't even know how much that is, but guessing about our sweet economic downward spiral and crap exchange rate, It's probably $12,349,023. Ok, I figured it out via converter cause I suck at math and it's $158.44. That isn't totally heinous I guess. Not really in my price range either. Check it out at www.joaosabino.pt/. They have it in red and pink too, but honestly I think they look a little tacky in comparison. Wish I could convince the rents to buy this one, xmas is around the corner... I am in love. Technology is taking over my life. Eesh.

digital camera

2008-11-17T21:09:00.009-05:00

I just wanted to vent about the fact that I'm really upset that my digital camera finally bit the dust. It had a good run, i've had it since sophomore year of college, and with the way i treat belongings (aka i drunkenly throw shit when im angry) i'm shocked it has even lasted this long. But now the button wont even turn on, which sucks because i'm so the paparazzi of our group of friends (i even photograph people who arent our friends, solo shot anyone? that story is coming soon when i get the balls to share it with the world..) so i'm really pissed because i'm one of those people who instead of having fun while drunk just decides to pose, skinny arm on hip, for the entirety of the night. how else are you going to remember who you saw, ya know?

A few weekends ago, I went to DC with some high school friends to visit other friends. Totally impulse decision, totally horrible decision, since i have about 30 dollars in my bank account. per usual. I really wanted to take pics when i was down there to brag to the entire facebook community how cool i looked and how much fun i was having, but alas i couldnt. my friend betsy gave me one of those throwback disposable cameras, which got me to thinking how ridiculous those bad boys were. like they arent even that old, i totally remember for homecoming and such in highschool i'd legit buy 4, and every 5 minutes take a picture thinking it would turn out awesome. truth be told, i was usually shitfaced and no kelly, that is not a picture of you, you actually had your finger over the flash and thus the result is a flesh colored blob on the screen. So the whole night i'd be wicked amped that i was going to have like 4 webshot albums of me at homecoming, and then i'd go to cvs FIRST THING in the morning to spend 50 dollars to develop those guys. and let me tell you, one hour photo NEVER TAKES AN HOUR! try three hour photo. waiting was the worst. then i'd get home and there would maybe be about 2 usable photos, the rest either being waaayy too upclose and personal, or theyd be of the inside of my purse. The 2 photos that did come out obviously had to be webshot-ed IMMEDIATELY. So, i'd break out the scanner and upload those gems right away. and by right away, it usually took about 3 hours. got to love dell.

The WORST would be i would ALWAYS leave the photos in the actual scanner, and then my dad would find a picture of me in my homecoming dress, complete with braces, posing with a handle of apple vodka. the davis family are from the school of "we'll pretend we dont know you do illegal things unless you blatantly flaunt it in front of us and we cant seem intelligent without yelling at you". so obviously my dad would approach me, and how could i lie about that? no dad, i didnt drink, i just left clear evidence of my disastrous homecoming fiasco in the scanner. it must have been someone else, that doesnt even look like me in the photo. whoops, my B.

Anyways, just something to think about. the youth of today have it so easy. with digital cameras you KNOW how the pics are gonna turn out ahead of time, AND you can get rid of the whole scanner dilemma. I cant even begin to tell you how many photos ive had to steal back after being confiscated from the scanner...

peace, love, and blogging despite the fact that i have a ten page paper due tomorrow,
kelly.

Poppin' the Blog Cherry

2008-11-17T20:26:00.002-05:00

Well obviously we are supposed to be in class right now. We clearly should have stayed in class, and should have been paying attention, because two thirds of the basketball team beat us on the midterm (rough). Propaganda in film is trickier than one might think, let us tell you... Anyways, I (kelly) decided to show durkin my procrastination attempts on the frat blog, which she instantly loved and blogged her little heart out as well. But, we felt stifled. How can we accurately blog if we are not allowed to talk about drinking, sexual exploits, and general debauchery? It is who we are. We will literally be out of things to talk about by tomorrow if our freedom of speech rights are this closely monitored. We are actually shocked that we haven't gotten in trouble yet (just waiting to get the email from mikey b telling us to reeeelax on the frat blog front..). Anyways, we just think the world would want to know about our lives. How many people do you know that power hour and dizzy bat as often as us, or as early as us? (we've been slacking lately...i didn't start drinking until 2 on saturday) How many people are as belligerent as us? How many people are in general just as awesome as us? The answer is, no one. (If you came to a different conclusion, just leave now because we probably don't care about you, sorry to be blunt). So get ready for a wild ride, filled with drunken tales amongst intelligent political debates with a slash of our favorite pop culture references. We think we are absurdly hilarious, so you probably should too. Thanks.

Did I mention we are terribly full of ourselves?